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Port Stanley News RSS Feed  Letters How Can We Improve A Port Paradise?

May 16, 2016

How Can We Improve A Port Paradise?

Install a Heritage Fire Department

Not only would this be a tremendous tourist attraction, but it would thrill the Heritage people as well as advance the cause of turning Port into a 19th century Disneyland.

We realize that in reality Council has instead decided to purchase a Quint fire truck. Strangely, four councilors went on record as opposing this state of the art vehicle. Yet they then voted for by-laws that bundled in such a purchase. And so it goes. But when they vote for our idea, they will be truly redeeming themselves!

We should never second guess Council, men and woman who are the people’s choice, renowned for their decision making abilities and their eyes on the bottom line. Yet it is true that Quints have maneuverability issues, weigh up to sixteen tons, and start at $500,000 US. ”Sixteen tons and what do you get? A little bit older and deeper in debt”.

But our Heritage firewagon will feature a tighter turning radius, roll-up cabinet doors on the sides (rather than doors that swing out), hose pumps on the rear instead of the sides, and “stabilizers” to keep ladders propped up that don’t protrude out on the roadway as much, Plus the best groomed four-legged horsepower around!

But would our volunteers buy in to heritage fire fighting? Well, there are women who are attracted to young men in tight blue heritage fireman uniforms, uniforms that are the first to go when things are on fire, if you know what we mean. And that attraction includes handlebar moustaches, if you still know what we mean. Some of those women will go to any lengths to be with their heroes, as did one Molly Williams during the blizzard of 1818, who helped pull a pumper to a fire through deep snow. Was she frigid? It’s unlikely.

So we think our idea would draw female tourists from afar, willing to commit arson in order to witness robust young men in the full flower of their manhood fighting heritage blazes. Problem is that these days fires hardly happen.

Data collected in 2010 revealed that 70% of U.S. firefighters were volunteers. Sixty-five per cent of their calls were EMS material, where, for example, someone keeled over at a buffet restaurant, and required an ambulance. Eight percent were false alarms.

Unfortunately only five per cent were, like, fires, thanks to smoke detectors, fire retardant construction materials, sprinkler systems and the reduction in smoking, which is apparently why Council saw the need for the Quint. The other twenty two percent of trips were not recorded, but probably included picking up biscuits for their Dalmatian, purchasing new checker boards, as well as liniment to treat the chafing endemic to sliding down poles

So few fires mean even fewer female tourists looking to get their fires lit. However, if we could make a deal with the Heritage people and revert to the building materials and standards of Molly Williams time we could count on plenty of heritage fires. In return, they wouldn’t force us all to wear buckskin and live in log cabins.

It’s a win-win!

Patrick Harding
Port Stanley


Last Updated: Monday, 16 May 2016 15:52:45 PM EST

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